Loving each other and really enjoying each other. On the other hand, your continued acceptance of him is actually coming across to him as a green light to continue his behavior no matter what he does. He gets frustrated that I dont trust him but hes willing to do anything to get me to understand. Shes easily distracted and has difficulty having a serious discussion. Oh yowies eeks!!!! You need to investigate. Me and my best friend have friends for almost 10 years weve had are ups and down but still remained best friend. Hey Steve, thanks for commenting on my article and on your sincere remorse. My instincts didnt tell him to leave, even after learning about the strangers he met over the course of our relationship. Thank you. My parents kicked him out of the apt when I was institutionalized and I have since got him to move back in. i have been with my partner since i was 15 yrs old (18 yrs GOING INTO 19 YRS) we have also lived together since that age too. He ended up dumping the girl and texting me to meet up and talk. Im interested: Whose idea was it in the first place to have the open relationship? After she had enough of my pushing, she finally pushed me away completely and is going to stay with her lover. And I wont get the chance to show him that I can and will make the changes I need to be a better person, regardless of what happens with us. I was married for ten years before learning that my spouse had been having an affair for 2 of those years. I dont want this relationship feeling like this. I was just like you say you are my gr8 off 3yrs and didnt even notice I was doin that. He didnt get upsethis first concern was if we were ok. I dont think you can talk someone into loving you or reason with someone to have feelings for you. Y is that ? Hes back in my life and I dont know if I could let him back in my heart , or do I do what he did to me? I nagged at her all the time, I have no clue why? I had stayed faithful since that mistake and did all I could to build trust and be as opened as possible. That was a lie to buy myself some time. If you only knew how much this man loved me. Please get therapy to give yourself the tools you need to get out of your bad place. but dr. i really really miss him and i am breaking down every moment with the feel that i did bad . I feel helpless dnt know what to do? I figured out by 80% she moved on. But what do i do now? I have told him the problem which he feels he has done no wrong in saying things putting me down , just so much he has broke my heart so bad that I dont know if I even want to still be married. I loved my girlfriend Tanya but whilst I was going through a rough time I spoke to another girl and it relived my stress and made me feel happy.I thought I started to get feelings for this girl (it wasnt I just liked talking)and I told my gf. i am basically utterly devastated and heartbroken, still living in my own home with the man im still utterly in love with, (which i am set to lose as i do not work, have no savings and no where to go, he can keep it due his wage, the mortgage company will not allow me to and he wants all ties severed). We got to a point where I had to start fronting her money from our rent that I paid to help buy her some time until her pay came in. We both decided together that I should quit my job at social services because he made more than enough to support us & I only had a yr left to get my BSN. and that bothered me, i asked him about that and he told me it was nothing. What can I do to make him forgive me? Now we are trying to mend but he wont let me go back home. When we reconnected she was in a bad place, dating a mutual friend who was already in a serious relationship, and a polygamous arrangement with a married couple. Now since his arrest I had the day before kicked him out of my apartment because I did not want to go through it again even though I love him with all my heart I gave him my whole heart I cannot continue to go through this with him he needs to do this on his own. You will have to work hard on yourself to be a better person. Shes Scorpio. Some feel distant. (I know) she continued to request that we meet. at the time i was being stupid and i thought i could do anything. He contacted me right after his arrival in France. We hardly ever see it coming. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. Im seriously trying to get my life sorted out but I know that its not going to be a quick fix. Maybe she needs individual therapy to get to know herself better and respect her own feelings better. The first part of our marriage was up and down as they usually go, but about 3 years ago we moved back to his country. Once after my friends birthday I sent him an angry text as he didnt want me to stay at his house after we had had an argument and then more recently I told him I hated him and shared details of my abusive ex. Long story short my husband suffered from sever depression and I stuck with him thru thick and thin. She needs space she said and I am willing to give her that. I bought uniforms fire her job and slipped the note in between. I want to help him get that emotional attachment back but am not sure how to. She was happy to see me. This is the most important question of all. Marriage is not for cheats and liars. Therapy helps and , as I said earlier, I recommend it. He still wants to be with me, he still says hes in love with me, but he just cant go back to normal immediately. What can I do, or do I do anything at all yet and just give him time to process it all? Fast forward all this behavior just builds up and I get to the point where I cant even share my feelings with him because I feel like Im going to be criticized and rejected once again.This was a major problem because Im afraid to communicate my feelings and I feel guilty for that thinking maybe if I did he would try to make a change. How do I let go of fear and love again Innocently? If you think you are basically a lovable person, it can. "When boiled down to its essence, unforgiveness is hatred .". Of course i never did. A few years ago I spent a year abroadwe still tried to maintain the relationship although I didnt put much effort into it due to my then selfish nature. After the breakup or the loss of a loved one, you will feel powerlessbut that's okay. Hes actually more selfish than I realized. We both have grown a lot and both are willing to do the work . Not knowing i was replying her on my phone. So, I think that all bad things that happen are really good because they are an opportunity to learn so we can be better the next time. We were prepared I thought. When you are exposed to those specific circumstances, hatred can over shadow your love but love is still there. My friend recently told me that she felt bad that she felt great without me and wanted to eventually have a discussion with me (with time). Where does this other girl stand ? I have been with a man twice my age for four years now he has broken and shook my trust in every way possible. Communication has always been an issue of mine, and he has only ever wanted 100% honesty from me. He has made his choice of drugs and drop kick friends over me and his kids. If it's convinced you that you never want to cheat again, then congratulations! but few days ago we broke up. That goes for both parties. You have a heart and soul; everyone does. Months after it happened, I went through I tough time in my life and my girlfriend stood by me and helped me. Even I apologized to him a lot of time. Can counseling help this situation or am I destined for a divorce? Regardless we were both feeling it. Im currently in a worse situation. Regardless he needs help, I know that and He knows that. But I really feel like I am at a fork in my life, I dont know if I should just let him go or hold on and try to fix things.any help would be appreciated. He doesnt work I work 50 hrs + a week and take care of 3 kids. At this point I need advice on how to begin to gain his trust and respect again. I love him so much and he is my king. I still say he has feelings for his ex and wants her. We havent talked since mid-January. The first time, you just opened yourself up and there it was. I dont need you to tell us what you did to him. You just cant turn that kind of love off. i sent an apology one week ago but he has not replied. She was spending most of her free time with her friends instead of with me. Any advice would be amazing. My ex girlfriend and I just recently broke up because currently we cannot afford to live with each other and we are now states apart from each other. I hurt him so deeply. Me and my ex were dating for about 5years and 3 months. Id like to hear your take on my situation. I have been married for 14 years to someone who is emotionally unavailable. At first I tried too hard to get him to talk to me, though I should have left him alone. No ones loved her like I have, no one has cared, protected and provided for her like I have. I loved him, just couldnt deal with the ex and the mom, tried telling him over and over that this was causing problems, he couldnt understand, kept saying he isnt interested in her. He got time off and came home to me a month after he cheated on me for the third time. Hello DrDeb, You could be questioning your feelings because maybe deep down you dont think you deserve something good in your life. I hope I can get some help here. If you go do something I dont suggest, I understand. We also had dinner with his sisters and her(the same one he wrote) and I didnt even know she was an ex. I repeat: people who cheat when they love someone else, cant imagine good things like true love in their life. D stood between the open door & me. i love him please help me to show him that i can change and respect him and speak ona normal volume and recreate the relationship with his family. Once you are more able to cope with stress, you can tell your gf you took this thing seriously and have actually done something about it. Fights are Volatile and Happen Often Every relationship has ups and downs, but not every relationship has frequent arguments. Thats 45 minutes walk. I love my husband so very much, but honestly couldnt give you a long list of reasons why. You will meet THE one and he will treat you like you deserve!! She thought i was with a girl. She never had this personalities before. However I am a cheater. He accepted complete blame for his actions, begged for forgiveness, completely cut her off. I keep thinking hes the reason why I cant see a future for us or for me in general. I knew that I loved my wife. You have written quite a long letter. I am living in a vacuum and dont know what to do. The next day she began an online relationship with an old high-school fling from India (we went to boarding school), their relationship was very sexual and they exchanged pictures and videos, I was aware of the whole thing and read and saw everything. This makes it important that the location of your first date should be one where both of you can be at ease and someplace that does not intimidate either of you. Hes trying to please himself and her. She invited me to a wedding months ago and said the clothing was informal. My boyfriend and I have been together for three years, until about 5 months ago. Hi Shan There may be people you have dated who feel as though they love you, but in your opinion, they dont know you. What I can say definitely is that if you learn mindfulness, it will be more powerful than medication to reduce your stress levels and depression. This is a update on my previous post and I really really need your advice. she wants to fix our relationship but she dosent feel she loves me right now please help me with this asap. There is the dawning awareness that your spouse is growing. For me, that was the fundamental basis of our relationship. I can say that we are struggling right now. However, there's something that always, at least, should always, prevail. I told her I will never give up on our marriage and would never consider a divorce. Pictures everywhere. I do still love her and know she talks and is seeing other people and Im stuck waiting for her. We moved around shopping for baby stuff, groceries, her personal stuff at expensive places.This took place between September to December 2014 and she was due around late January. I only saw him when skiing only ever once did we go out for a meal in evening as he would need to give reason for going out which wasnt a problem! Im so anxious and scared. Hi Jeremy I have started therapy for addictions and am in the first month of a 3 month program. The last thing we want to do is upset bees! She has her own issues in her past, like her parents divorcing when she was a young teen, and she is turning 40 this year. That said, I would not think this will work while he has someone else in the wings. She finally broke up with me after 9 months and now is very cold and distant. That is what I mean by not being needy and dependent. The first step to letting go is knowing how to do it. Dear Dr Deb Anyways, we enjoyed brief moment. I felt I could trust her enough to give her the chance to show me if this was going to be different. I died a little inside, i could not take the reality of the things he said. The level of emotional connection I have with my EAP is so huge and the level with my husband so minimal it is quite difficult to imagine climbing that mountain. He was rude, impatiend and miserable with me. I realized eventually that through out the course of the relationship I was being emotionally abusive towards her in my actions and reactions. If you have a need to talk, then you are still insecure. This was totally out of the blue. So I just found out that my boyfriend has been a sexting another girl for about a week. I felt very low and suicidal for my actions). At the time i told him and we were arguing he would not let me talk without shooting down everything i said and still accused me of cheating. The can't-live-with-you-can't-live-without-you energy is exhausting especially for the people in their lives who have to deal with the constant ups and downs knowing that it's unlikely to get better. Ps. He did use a condom. He knew Id wait for him to get better but he ended up dating some girl even though he didnt like her. Because now I dont know any other way to do this. I am very confused on how we got off track and all the way to this.. Like I stated before we been together for over 5 years almost a 2 year old son and now she tells me that she has not loved me before our child was born and I dont understand how we made it this far. And what did you find inside your partners heart and soul? Therefore, it would be natural for him to be skeptical of your changes if you havent done this (you dont indicate what you did to work through them). At the time I wanted to get married, he didnt. Expected behaviors dont happen and new, lovely ones are in their place: consideration, gentleness, sensitivity, generosity of time and effort. but i think he want it to work because he is hanging around to see if things will change in my behaviour. She said she almost left, I mentioned that she has to stop reacting like that, because I too had wanted to hug her, just in more private setting than in line at Starbucks, I explained I wanted it to be a longer deep hug. I sincerely hope you dont mind I posted a link to TEDH article. I had a little girl with her and today I thank my e partner for leaving me and taking our daughter away from the pain and suffering I was causing. However, that wasnt the case. Parents dont do this because they are mean (although some may be mean) but because of their own poor upbringing. Im thinking something must have been going wrong in your relationship in the first place for your husband to just drop you like that to take care of this friend. utterly devastated (UK). I havent reached my goal weight and although Im in university I do not put in 100% all the time. I daily promise him to meet n so we cudnt . He doesnt call me, text me,open the door for me,tell me good night or good morning nothing. I dont know. She said not long ago I do love and I do miss you but its hard for me to be with you right now she said she wants to be friends and before I said I dont think I can and this was before I we had started our initial break. She told my wife. And I told her that. He is my perfect human being even through his flaws I was his world and I know I ruined the trust we worked hard to rebuild not once, not twice, but three times. im full of anxiety because i feel i may have to make a decision once gain. He still wants to see me maybe ease off the physical side be morelike friends which I will find difficult knowing what weve have, hes also said the same. Please advise . I was sitting in the car & my door was open. This can be romantic and slightly awkward, but thats what makes it fun, too, because you get the chance to laugh at your mistakes or hers without fear of judgment (or so she thinks). All these people are people who he has worked with for 15-20 years. What can I do? And whatever it was you did (if anything) may not have been as wrong. I previously had a relationship where I was cheated on numerous times in the past. I cannot believe he dumped me so easily with no care or feeling. he wants this relationship and wish i would stop cussing he said for everything. Suddenly, her love turned to hate. I think were emotionally ok, we talk every day about how we feel and whats going on in our lives. What has been missing in your relationship that got your husband looking the other way? Like in your article, Ive realized I need to allow him space and deal with what hes feeling before we can take the next step. PostedMarch 27, 2018 And feelings, understanding ones own and where they come from, is often hard to do because the origin could be painful. He texts me every day, telling me to have a wonderful day and that he loves me. He needs to show you that he is actively in therapy. What you did for 12 years abuse your wife verbally and emotionally it is good that you are now honest about it but the most important thing you can do for yourself, her, and your children is get therapy to make the changes you need. He tried to make me see advantages of keeping the account ober the disadvantages. Idk really know him. For some reason he could never let her go. Finally, 7 weeks ago, after a somewhat benign comment from me about why things werent like they used to be, he snapped. I dont think she has really spoken to anyone about how she was feeling as even her mum and sister had no idea it was coming. Someone this emotionally unavailable for you is very selfish. Abuse is traumatic. She told me if she had not cheated on me, she would definitely stay with me. But first, let me say Im sorry if I was harsh. That is the Assertive part of my work with people. A tattoo, I did laugh. When a person is having problems in his marriage is the WORST time to strike up a relationship. Second, her therapist who is away for the summer should either have put in place a way to contact her such as email, phone, or Skype, or have a substitute. My problem is, I feel that I gave him an inch and he completely disregarded how I might feel if he went further than her pleasing him. (He says she listens.) It hurt so much, but I understand seeing from her point of view, and know that she has had past experiences of men leaving her throughout her life, as her father left her when she was younger. When we hate someone, we are more likely to wish they would suffer or at least change who they are. And he didnt know how it happened, but shed been calling him and something led to the other and he gave in to temptation. Why is that? So we bounced around a little after until we managed to find our own apartment. She would tell people that I would always only be the stupid girlfriend nothing more because she would be the on,y wife he would ever have. any advice, I have been in this situation before and its not easy. Communication was strained and it was like we were walking on eggshells when we were around each other. Why werent you supposed to join him and the girl? How will I know and how can I tell if I will love him again? It was difficult him being there. Hi Dr Deb. I was in deep depression of my finances, my anger has been a problem I had lost my licence, I lost my job I had which loved. Im lost, hurt, and I want him in my life because he is my person. You will not succeed against the drugs. Problems with my ex and our children made me so low I reverted to drugs. It is also really good that you could figure out that part. For all you out there who are in relationships where the other doesnt see their hurtful behaviorit is possible for them to see it. Even more than when we firet met. And he wants to know why and how things would be different now. The first 3 years were great. He was very emotionally and verbally abusive for a long time. Thanks. At first I dismissed this saying No you have to go if you cant love me but then I got to thinking maybe this is an opportunity to show him I realize my weaknesses and that I realize I caused him to loose his since of self and rebuild things between us. give him time ? What should I do? Not a little.. but alot. True, you were just kids at the time. He put his face into her neck & told her that he Really really loves her. Arguments were bad. Cater to him and perhaps that will show him that you are not selfish after all. And voila! Its miserable spending everyday of a relationship already knowing hes going to leave and having a countdown in my head because it happens every single time. It is NOT all about behavior. We never have. I dont know what to do possibly lose someone who could be great or lose the person Ive loved for years That I dont trust because of everything that happened. Think about the people you deal with and how straight w them you are. We were so much more than that. I am in need of some advise, desperately. Seven months ago, a man that I knew messages me and we began talking. My youngest is 9 weeks old. Be sure whoever you go to is specifically trained as a marriage therapist, because that is its own field. Which I agree with, but still feel its inappropriate for a married woman to be saying to another man. We talked a lot over that night and the next day and we finally agreed to try and not let what happened be a setback. I also have put up barrel and I am a very strong lady that I know going through the process will hurt but, staying here is hurting more. Weve lived together for about a year & the night before this happened, we talked about getting engaged & how we were going to make plans for the future. Idk how to get her to do that? She got drunk and more out of control than Ive ever seen her. To the best of my knowledge, friend could actually mean herself. I was starting to date another guy and he just played with my emotions. Suppose we project into the future. But I dont know what to do anymore. You grow up hating yourself and thinking you caused it and. Even though every relationship is different, it's about being able to look at it and feel something other than loss. Miraculously I found a job near hers and wanted to get an apartment together. she was a lovely lady who helped and loved me too, i wanted to help. Most days Im incapable of a clear or rational thought. Ps; he has said he wants a year apart. Im working on me I dont want to lose him..Ive seen him once in almost 3 weeks, since I got out. I recently discovered my husband has been talking to another women over the internet, through video chats, and text messaging on his phone. You feel anger toward the person who hurt you as well as on yourself for letting them do this to you. I have begged him for his attention for years. I should add that, if he was horny he could have called me instead. I wish he had been honest, fought for me. I was so shocked & numb that I couldnt comprehend what I had stumbled on & desperately wanted clarification. When it comes up he says he doesnt know if he can forget what happenedthe hurt I caused him. I see absolutely no reason to keep up conversation with her anymore. for me my ex never mattered. Well, there is a way. He didnt however, and 2 days later I ended up alone with his phone by chance. I wish he had the ability in him to see that the girl that he says is his best friend is actually not who she appears to be. Please help me on what to do. And then when I realised about the drinking, and started watching for the drinking and realising it was happening EVERY day, and we had conversations about how I dont care if he drinks, but please please dont hide it from me because I cant bear the deception, but it continued anyway well, after two years of this, the final straw for me came 8 weeks ago when he drove drunk. Sometimes you need to find a middle ground. Well we broke up because he was in a really hard spot and wasnt able to give me much attention and he felt guilty. Am welling to fight back, but i feel hes is not trying to put the effort into getting back together. I also hold a Master of Business Administration degree from the University of Maryland USA.I was raised by my adopted parents, though they were rich, i suffered a lot but im always grateful to them because they gave me life, may be without them i will be dead by now. Often, the challenge isn't finding love, but daring to face one's own defenses and let love. Also,why wont he give us a chance and at least try. So I really would like to see you working in therapy on overcoming whatever it was in your own life that got the fears started. What should i do? What was it like for her when you were away? Literally the day after we were married he was a completely different person. I stopped living with her about a week and a half before she broke up with me because I wanted her to have some space because I thought she needed to mature, When she did break up with me she said she was happier without me and was a completely different person when I was gone. Somethings mixed up here. I want to rebuild trust for her to fall in love with me again, I know it will take time. Yes, it would be possible to fall in love with this man provided you have a highly skilled therapist or perhaps you both take my course. Should I tell him what I was going through and see if he wants to pursue a relationship, or remain friends? Ive lost his trust. How can I get him to open up? Hi Shay, She couldnt and cursed me out never to hear from me again. Eventually my husband walked into the office & put his hands on the back of the chair; leaned towards me & growled in a cold, hard voice that He had hated me his whole $*#@%@! But that insecurity is in itself very hard to admit, especially for a man in our society. It was my value. This time being over affectionate over complimenting. 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